Susie Verrill ‘When I became a mother…’

When I was growing up, I wasn’t really set on many things.

I never had a career path unwinding ahead of me, no visions of being sat in front of ‘my team’ pointing with purpose towards a whiteboard decorated with scribbles. Power suits were someone else’s intended costume, income was just needed to survive and travel made me fizz with nerves having only ‘holidayed’ in North Yorkshire where we lucked out with a rare balmy 24 degrees one year.

One thing I was certain on, was motherhood. That was so important to me. That was to be what defined me, what made me feel settled and planted and grown. I grew up in a household where the father figure brought more fear than stability and my mum was the perfect antithesis. She was a tactile, loving constant to his volatile, detached presence and I wanted to give to my children, what she gave to us. As a small child it seemed simple; she was just a kind person and my mum. Now I realise that she, as a young woman with four children, no parents, a full-time job and a husband with serious mental health issues, is/was a lighthouse. Her ability to weather the daily storm and still provide stability and pockets of beautiful memories means she’s a stronger force to be reckoned with than I ever realised.

So, for me, no role has ever been held in the highest regard as a mum. It’s what I’ve always seen as vital. However, when Milo came along, shreds of who I was before seemed to fall away with the hair I was shedding down the shower plug every week; it took over a year to properly feel myself again. At the time I felt lost and rather than feeling welcomed in to a role I felt I was fully qualified for, it was like turning up for work at a nuclear power plant. On very little sleep. With a broken body.

We finally got there and now I feel like we muddle on just fine, more than fine some days. The thing with motherhood is that there’s no right or wrong (however much people on Instagram like to argue about it); you just have to do what gets you all through. When I became a mum it helped me not only see my own in an even greater light, but it taught me I need to be patient with myself. Child-me, twenty-something me , didn’t know what future-me wanted to do and why on earth should it? With the birth of my children I’ve learned when I want to push myself, I’ve found a role I define and which suits me more than any office job would. I’ve created two people I’d fight like a wolf for. And I get to share part of my life with two new best friends.

When I became a mother, I met a better me.

Read more from Susie on her blog My Milo & Me.

If you would like to join in and share a story about motherhood, we’d love you to post a picture on Instagram, with the hashtag #whenibecameamother and tagging @dontbuyherflowers. You can find the details on our Instagram page. One person will be chosen at random to receive two Any Occasion Packages, our Mother’s Day bestseller. For more Mother’s Day gift ideas click here. £1 of every package sold for Mother’s Day will go to charity Kicks Count. 

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3 thoughts on “Susie Verrill ‘When I became a mother…’

  1. Susan says:

    Thank you for sharing this, it’s good to read some real personal honesty about life (the majority of my mama friends seem to have it all), happiness included! I’m just about to embark on a massive change in life regarding motherhood. It’s been a long time coming, something I never actually thought I’d have to face. My daughter is about to meet the woman my fiancé had an affair with. He left me once our daughter was born, telling me about the affair he was having while I was pregnant. (7 and a half years and you think you know someone..). I’ve been pushed into a corner with this decision, and I’m trying to come to terms with it. I was robbed of a ‘normal’ motherhood, where everything you imagine happens, and now here I am. They are still together. Im about to face a whole other dynamic of the pain, as if I’m embarking on motherhood and heartbreak at exactly the same time isn’t enough. If you can make changes to your mental well-being and happiness, to be a better version of yourself, do it. Try it. I can only hope that the decision that’s being made for me, helps me turn a turn another little corner. All this being said, I love my daughter dearly and we are the bestest of friends. (Goes without saying). Thanks again, Laura.

  2. activaor says:

    Thank you for sharing this, it’s good to read some real personal honesty about life (the majority of my mama friends seem to have it all), happiness included! I’m just about to embark on a massive change in life regarding motherhood. It’s been a long time coming, something I never actually thought I’d have to face. My daughter is about to meet the woman my fiancé had an affair with. He left me once our daughter was born, telling me about the affair he was having while I was pregnant. (7 and a half years and you think you know someone..). I’ve been pushed into a corner with this decision, and I’m trying to come to terms with it. I was robbed of a ‘normal’ motherhood, where everything you imagine happens, and now here I am. They are still together. Im about to face a whole other dynamic of the pain, as if I’m embarking on motherhood and heartbreak at exactly the same time isn’t enough. If you can make changes to your mental well-being and happiness, to be a better version of yourself, do it. Try it. I can only hope that the decision that’s being made for me, helps me turn a turn another little corner. All this being said, I love my daughter dearly and we are the bestest of friends. (Goes without saying). Thanks again, Laura.

  3. Lexy says:

    I felt exactly the same Susie, all I ever wanted to be was a Mum and I’d geared my whole life towards it, however nothing could have prepared me for the reality of being on call 24/7, getting to know my first born, trouble feeding, all the worry… I had extended baby blues and was a very anxious, highly strung Mum for a good 6 months. I’ve learnt to be kinder to myself and not put myself under too much pressure, but that first 6 months was far harder than I’d ever imagined in my role of a lifetime!