…my world was a different place. “Cliché”, I know. Yet true all the same.
I wasn’t Remi Sadé. I was just Remi and yes Sadé is my middle name but I wasn’t who I am now. I was a Geography undergrad student who was unprepared in every way for a baby.
Though it wasn’t all bad, she was always loved and wanted albeit unplanned.
The trajectory of my life was to finish university. Then to get married and have some babies or leave London for some hotter climate. Alone.
It feels like a foreign concept now. 1) to be so sure, that plan B is equally as realistic as plan A. While not giving thought for letters C-Z a.k.a life. And 2) is that, around the time I fell pregnant with my beautiful Sanaa, I had decided I didn’t want children until I was in my thirties. I was about 8 years early!
So I made a new plan. Have a magical water birth, go back to university when she was four months old. Raise her in a two parent household.
It turns out in my first year as a new mum nothing turned out as planned. What did happen was the absolute opposite. There were some really tough moments. Honestly, I don’t really know how I managed.
Like so many other women I experienced PND, too. I know that fog well. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m so very grateful that I do. I always knew Sanaa would thrive as our bond is so strong. I never struggled to raise her… It’s me I wasn’t so sure about.
Getting lost in the fog of your own mind while being a new mum is a challenge.
Particularly because I was holding my breath. Worried all the time about what was next. Completely absent from the present. Eventually I found a new part of myself.
A lot of creativity came of me during that first year. Now I can look back and say it was me getting to grips with everything. Growing pains.
I mean let’s face it, no matter how prepared you are motherhood is a whole different ball game to whatever you thought it would be. It’s also fulfilling, heart warming, soul feeding, mind blowing and life affirming. I didn’t expect the good or bad things that happened when I became a mum.
Now it doesn’t matter. Now is what matters.
Everyday I learn something new from being a mum. I understand what I’m doing so much better. But, every so often in a mammoth way I’m reminded I’ll always be new to this. It’s the best, I get to see the world through her eyes and show her it through mine.
Remi Sadé is a writer, host of the Make Motherhood Diverse podcast and co-host of Alright For A Mum podcast. She writes about parenting as a modern millennial, social issues, life and womanhood. Remi is currently working on her first book. Photo credit Natalie Evans.
In the run up to Mother’s Day and to celebrate the launch of The Unwind Package, we’re giving away three packages worth up to £50 each chosen at random from anyone joining in our #whenibecameamother campaign on Instagram. To enter:
1. Post a picture on your own Instagram account and include a caption about what you learned, or something you felt about your own experience, when you became a mother.
2. Include #whenIbecameamother in your post
3. Include the sentence ‘I am posting this to enter a @dontbuyherflowers competition’ at the end of your caption.
Entries close on 23rd March at 11.59pm. Winners will be drawn at random. Prizes can be delivered to UK and ROI addresses only.